The Bare Bum Gang and the Holy Grail by Anthony McGowan

Author:Anthony McGowan
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781407048987
Publisher: RHCP

‘Don’t move,’ I said. ‘You’ll just make it worse and probably disembowel yourself.’

Disembowelling is one of the worst ways to go – worse, I reckon, than death by jellyfish, death by parachute-not-opening, or death by scorpions. What happens is that your bowels, which are all the pipes and tubes in your belly, slither out of you like giant worms. You then have roughly ten seconds to re-embowel yourself, which is when you push the pipes back in and sew up the hole, before you die.

Of course usually that’s impossible, because the thing that caused the disembowelling in the first place, say a Samurai warrior, a sabre-toothed tiger or great white shark, will still be attacking you, and might well have eaten your bowels in the meantime. Not the Samurai warrior, of course. Japanese people don’t eat bowels, but raw fish. They may eat raw fish bowels, but I’m not sure. I’ll check on the Internet.

But I didn’t mention any of the details of disembowelling to Noah, because then he’d panic and start thrashing around, which is exactly the right way to go about getting yourself disembowelled.

I had exactly what I needed to deal with this situation. I took out my multi-tool. As well as the knife, the scissors, the thing for getting stones out of horses’ hooves, the magnifying glass, the hammer, the pliers and the saw, it had some wire cutters.

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